Can't Stop
by Lola-2011
Summary: Season 2. The animosity between Hotchner and Strauss runs deep. And there's a very good reason for that.


Can't Stop

Aaron Hotchner paced the entire width of the Deputy Director's office. Occasionally he would stop mid step when something caught his eye. A framed diploma or a family photograph or the way she displayed magazines across table by the window.

Erin shifted in her chair. "I've never seen you like this."

He shrugged. "You haven't seen the things I've seen."

"Fair enough." she replied. "It doesn't mean I don't understand…"

"You don't understand." he interjected. "Empathize maybe but you don't understand."

She took a breath to steady her emotions, to push down her temper. "Agent Hotchner, you're treading on insubordination."

"Is that really the best you have?"

Erin sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. "If you came here looking for a fight you're not going to get one."

"The modern furniture." he started. "The strategically placed magazines. The framed diplomas. The art on the walls. They're all in conflict with your family photos. You have three children but you favor the middle one, your son."

"What do you think you're doing?" she was incredibly agitated.

"Of course you love all your children but not like your son."

"That's enough!" She was quick to her feet, the open palms of her hands hitting the top of the desk. "You're out of line, Agent Hotchner!"

He smiled in victory. "So you do have some lingering emotions in there somewhere."

"I'm not doing this with you, Aaron." she told him. "Not now. Not here. Not like this."

"Not ever." he finished for her.

"What you want from me?"

Hotchner leaned forward and picked up the middle picture up off her desk. "Ten years old now." he said, softly. "How's is Gavin? Doing well in school?"

"Very." she said, simply. "He's a good boy."

"I wouldn't know." he sat the picture back down on the desk. "You never mention him anymore."

Immediately she straightened the photograph to suit her. "You never ask." she countered. "It's a two way street."

He just shook his head. "Too painful, Erin."

"We made the best choice we could."

He sat down in the chair in front of her. "No, we didn't." he argued. "We took the easy way out. You know it and I know it."

She knew he was right. He was absolutely, one hundred and ten percent correct. They did make they did take the easy way out. But eleven years ago it was the only option that made any sense. "We can't change it now, Aaron." her eyes filled with tears that she willed not to fall. "It is what it is."

"Easy for you to say." his eyes locked with hers. "You've spent the past ten years raising him. I've spent the last ten years watching from the sidelines."

"You have Jack now."

"And you have Rachel and Kaitlin." he pointed out. "Doesn't make Gavin any less your son, does it?"

Erin simply shook her head.

"Doesn't make him any less my son either." A wave of emotion sailed over him. And he fought hard to choke down his tears. "I think about him all the time. I think about how things could have been different."

Her resolve cracked and within moments she was kneeling next to him. "You're exhausted and I don't think this is the time to have this conversation about Gavin."

"When is the right time?"

The pain was evident in his eyes. He had just gone through an incredibly difficult case and now everything felt like it was upside down. "I'm sorry." she apologized. "I didn't want this either, you have to believe that. But it was the best situation for Gavin and he was all that mattered. He still is all that matters in this big mess."

"At least something good came out of it."

"We got caught up in everything, Aaron." she said. "The BAU was still new, we were figuring things out. We were jetting off all over the place, it was long hours, brutal cases, and no one could understand that better than a fellow agent. I don't regret what happened." she told him. "I don't regret Gavin. And I wish things were different too, but they're not."

"We made our beds, Erin." he whispered. "Rather they're comfortable or not we have to lie in them."

"I know that you're hurting." her words were soft and comforting. "It hurts me too. I don't like seeing you like this. Above everything else you're still my son's father."

/

_They had stumbled into this…this…whatever this was. This comfort seeking, pleasure seeking, journey. They enjoyed each other. It was as much emotional as it was physical. But that all had changed with two double lines on a plastic stick. _

"_I'm pregnant." the words hung in the air so thick they could be sliced._

"_You're sure?"_

_Erin practically threw the pregnancy test at him. "Pretty sure."_

_He looked down at the test in his hand. And asked the only question he could. "Now what?"_

"_I don't know." she ran her hands through her hair. "I have no fucking clue."_

"_You think it's mine?"_

"_I think there's a pretty good chance of that." she replied. "I'll have to go to the doctor to find out how far along I am."_

"_Can you figure it out from the conception date?"_

_Her marriage wasn't horrible but it wasn't a grand love affair either. "Yes." she was sure. "I guess we'll go from there."_

"_Do you want me to go with you?"_

"_No." she replied. "I'd rather go alone."_

_/_

_Erin handed him the sonogram picture. And there it was in black and white. She was definitely pregnant. Almost three months to be exact. "The baby is mine, isn't it?" Her silence was his answer. "What happens now?"_

"_I don't know." she breathed out. "I'm married. I have a daughter. You knew that when this entire thing started."_

"_But things have changed, Erin." he pointed out. "You're pregnant with my child."_

"_Are you honestly ready to be a father?"_

"_Is anyone ready?" he countered. He knew what she was thinking. _

"_Think about the baby, Hotch." she told him. "Think about what's best for him or her. That's the first step of being a parent. Putting your child first."_

"_You just expect me to walk away?"_

"_It's not about what I expect. It's about what makes the most sense." she tried to reason with him. "We made this mess not the baby, he or she shouldn't have to suffer. Rachel shouldn't have to suffer."_

"_So this…" he gestured between the two of them. "This was all a mistake?"_

_Erin shook her head. "This was never going to evolve into something more than it is right now. You know that and I know that."_

"_I'm not trying to make this into something its not." he told her. "I just thought we had more respect for each other than this."_

"_Look, Aaron, I'll take full responsibility here." she said. "I told you because I thought you deserved to know the truth."_

_He was silent for a while. Too long. And when he finally did speak nothing but anger came out. "You know what, I really wish you wouldn't have told me." he gritted out. "Telling me that you're having my baby and then taking it away from me all in five minutes time is beyond cruel."_

_Her eyes began to well up with tears. "Then what would you have me do?" her voice was becoming louder. "Leave Rob? I don't think you're ready to be a father to one child, do you honestly think you're ready to be a father of two children?"_

"_So this is about your image." he concluded. "This is about what's easiest for you!"_

"_It's about what's best for everyone." she was almost pleading with him. "Rob is a good father to Rachel and he'll be a good father to this baby as well."_

_Hotchner shook his head in defeat. "You've already made up your mind."_

_Erin couldn't stop the tears from falling. "I'm sorry." she apologized. "I'm so sorry, Aaron."_

_He nodded, wiping away his own tears. "God, I really wish you wouldn't have told me."_

/

Erin's voice broke the deafening silence. "I should have told Rob."

"What?"

"I should have told him the truth about Gavin from the beginning." she confessed. "I was too much of a coward. I was so afraid of losing him. Of losing Rachel."

"I've always understood why, Erin." he told her. "I may not have agreed with it but I understood."

She rose to her feet. "I was protecting myself. I was protecting my image." She walked over to one of the windows. "Things would have been difficult for a while but Robert and I would have gotten through it. You could have had access to Gavin without having to watch a soccer game from the bleachers or sit in the back row at a school function."

Hotchner shook his head. "We can't change the past."

"But we can change the future."

He smiled, a fleeting bittersweet smile. "No." he told her, standing up. "Maybe someday. Maybe when he's older, but not now. Gavin has two parents at home who love him and two sisters that he's grown up with. I don't want to take that away from him. It wouldn't be fair. You and I are the adults here. We're the ones that have to bear this burden of truth, not Gavin."

"He also has a brother. And a father who loves him so much that he was able to put him first and do what was best for him. All those years ago I told you that you weren't ready to be a father, but by simply stepping back and making that sacrifice you were more ready to be a parent to him than I was."

Hotchner reached out for her, pulling her toward him. He gently cupped her face in his hands. "I know that we did what was right for Gavin, I know that." his voice was soft and comforting. "I may not like it, but it's always been about him and making sure he had the best life possible."

"I never wanted to hurt you." she whispered back. "I may not have been in love with you but I did love you. I still love you, Aaron."

He pulled her into his arms, dropping a kiss into her hair. "I know." he replied. "I love you, too and nothing can change that. We just need to pick up some of the eggshells we've been walking on."

Erin pulled back to look at him. "I got Gavin season tickets to the Nationals." she told him. "Why don't you start coming with us every now and again."

"You mean that?"

"Yes." she smiled.

His lips grazed hers. Ever so softly. "I'd like that." His hands moved to her face and he deepened the kiss.

She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. They kissed soft and slow. More comforting than passionate. When their lips parted she smoothed down his tie. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I think so." he kissed the tip of her nose before releasing her from his grasp. "I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to take a few days."

"I think that's an excellent idea." she made her way back behind her desk. "In fact I think your entire team should take a few days."

Hotchner nodded. "I'll let them know." he said. "Thank you for your time, Erin."

"Agent." she said, halting him.

"Yes?" he asked, turning back around.

Erin opened the top drawer of her desk and pulled out a picture. "His baseball card." she held it out to him. "He's the pitcher."

He took it from her hand. "The pitcher?" he couldn't help but smile. "I pitched too. All the way through college."

"I know." she smiled softly.

"Thank you."

-Finished.

I have no idea where this came from. I started typing and it just flooded out.


End file.
